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Dear friends,

I will not be able to update my blog just yet. My family had a great lost. My father in law passed away on 3rd Dec 2011. It's been a sad day ever since. I'm still at hub's hometown in Kuching, Sarawak. Will be here for the next few days. Words fail to describe the emptiness within. Rest in peace fil, Wan Muhammad Tuanku Shukran. May Allah bless his soul. We miss you dearly. Al Fatihah.

Happy Birthday Son!

I'd like to wish my son alif a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! and many more great years to come!!! actually we had a great dinner earlier today. It was funny too..

We went to Chilis Empire with my parents. We brought our own cake for the occassion. Alif wanted a football theme cake and so i ordered it from a friend. Told the server at chilis to keep it for later where they'll have the cake ready by the end of the meal course and they're supposed to sing him a birthday song...so that moment came and they came out with a piece of inhouse sponsored cake and sing him his birthday song! Hahaha..imagine Alif's disbelief face and he look at me as if saying...'Ma! that's not my cake!!!!'. After the singing's done we ask the server for the actual cake and she said..oohhh yeah it's coming shortly! I mean..what the heck??? why would u wanna sing him a birthday song twice??? and to make matter worse..a plastic football pole on top of his cake caught fire!!! He was screaming..'Mom..fire!!!!'...omg..i could die laughing this instance!!!! To show what i mean..here's the photo!!! lol....see the pole on the right, that's the one..:)))

Anyway, he's a happy boy! A good cake and a pressie..he's content and now sleeping soundly! A few shots from the dinner. Okay gtg now. Be back soon..ciao..:)

Welcome 2011

Happy New Year everyone. I'm home watching tv and had a late take out Dominoes for dinner. This is basically routine every year. Somehow i dont find it enjoyable driving around town or hanging out watching the fireworks. I hate the traffic and i know we'll be stuck for hours on the road. So..yeah that's just 'us'..lol.

My sadness in 2010 is still very much inside me. I do welcome 2011 but still i have not recovered from lost after lost. My uncle passed away just 4 days ago. It reminds me that with every year approaching i'm closer to losing the elderly in the family. That saddens me..those people that used to rock & craddle me is saying goodbyes. I know..life goes on, sooner or later we too will be meeting out creator. I'm hoping that this year come what may, i'll be given the strength to stay positive, mentally n emotionally prepared.

To all friends, May you be blessed with good health and great things in life. Stay strong and take one step at a time. Life is beautiful, find a spot in your heart to embrace the simple and smaller things in life. I have taken too much for granted, i will not, not treasure every moment i had bathing my kids, eating together, messing up my bed laughing n poking at them, watching their favourite channel and many more. The small things in life that i failed to notice before.

Last but not least, thank you 'Allah swt' for giving me another year to look forward too! Welcome 2011...:)

In Memory Of Maksu...

I dont know how to start this entry, i've been staring at my lappie screen and wondering the right way to say it. We lay her to rest this morning at 10 am. Finally she left us to meet her creator, the almighty Allah swt. My tears are cheap..they drop at every second and every thought of her.

I was at mom's place when we received the call from my uncle yesterday (22/7) at 3.30 pm. My heart cringe looking at mom sobbing. She has lost her only sister. She said she felt so alone, all i could do was nod and pretend to hear her words. I felt pain in my chest and suffocated, perhaps because i was crying so hard. I have never felt this kind of sadness i dont even know how to describe.

After almost 2 years of battling cancer, she passed away peacefully at the age of 47. For the past 2 months i've been her constant visitors. I listen to her cries of pain, to her rambling and her hope for tomorrow. Every now and then i utter words of courage, or perhaps lie. Told her she'll be able to walk outside the house soon, that she'll get better so that she can perform her 'umrah' again. So many dreams...

She's in good place now..i know she'll be among his many angels, my beautiful aunt is a good wife, mother and friend. Letting go is the hardest thing to do. Despite being reminded that she no longer suffer in this painful world..i am still selfish to want her to be with us. I pray to be forgiven for my sin. Rest in peace dear maksu..i miss u so much!!! Al Fatihah....

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Datin Hajjah Asmah Bt Hashim

1963-2010

Happy Birthday Lurve

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Today is his birthday. We did not plan for a bash, just us at home having ice cream cake and subway sandwich. Sorry lurve, perhaps we'll have a celebration next year insyAllah. He was excited for his pressie. I am too!!! It came this morning, couriered all the way from the states. Thank you to a friend who's been kind enough to purchase it for us. Happy Birthsay Lurve, enjoy ur new toy!! :P

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Always be...a part of me..

I wrote this note today and post it at my FB profile. Just something that i want to share hoping it wud take away some of the pain...

Always be..a part of me..

 

As usual i went to visit her today, mom was there way before i came. I saw her, there's no more smile for me. On my previous visit she wud give me a smile before she start her rambling. Yes, she hardly remembers the time, date and certain people but she always remembers me. If i failed to visit her in one or two days she'll ask bibik 'where is ame?' n for the pass few days she ask for me quite often. Maybe because i always talk to her, even if she starts to ramble about things unrelated. She will say a lot of things that doesnt make sense, but it doesnt bother me. Infact, sometimes i understand her pain n sadness better.

One day she told me to remove her blouse she needs to take her heart and replace it cos she said it's broken...n i told her dont worry, i will replace her broken heart and i will make it better. She told me to take her pain away n that she's so tired. I told her..to go to sleep, i will give her medicine to make her feel better, she nod in understanding. Her head is swollen now, n she's having headache again. She hardly sleeps anymore, when i massage her legs i can only feel bones protuding through her skin. She cried in pain n i can see tears welling up in her eyes. Her screams are of sadness and pain no one cud imagine. Sometimes i pray to Allah to share her pain. If i cud have part of it perhaps she wont feel so bad. I've been sick for 2 weeks now, and i'm glad that he heard me. He makes me realised that there is more to life, he makes me see and he reminds me of his 'presence'. Perhaps i've forgotten to be thankful and i've forgotten about 'akhirat'. Everything in my life is 'duniawi'. He's giving me a wake up call. Thank you Allah.

I know..it wont be long before she bids me goodbye. Infact, the doctor said we have only a week before she goes into coma and then on to meet her creator. Everyone is preparing to hear those dreadful news. I cud never imagine..i know she'll be in better place, but how do u say goodbye to someone who took care of me when i was small, we shared the same house, the same bedroom until the day of her 'akad'. I share her dreams and her story, half of her life was mine too!! How do u say goodbye???

Perhaps apart from my mom, she's the closest and dearest in my heart. I cant stop crying, this tears of mine has been flowing ever since she was hospitalised about a month ago. Memories can never be erased, maybe the pain n sadness will heal with time, but her...she will always be a part of me...

Happy Birthday Mak

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Mom turns 63 today. Happy Birthday Mak. She doesn’t want a celebration, given the situation we’re in right now, while my mak su (mom’s younger n only sister) is not in good health it’s just not right for a big bash. So I took her out for a steamboat dinner with my brothers. There’s no cake or candle just us having a small talk.

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I understand her feelings at this moment. All she could think n talk about is maksu. We even visited her this afternoon before dinner. She’s back home cos I think there’s not much the Dr can do. No one seems to say or hear any good news now. Just a somber mood surrounding us. It’s hard n difficult to talk about it. I still shed tears, every now n then. Whenever I think of her, I still cried buckets except nobody knows about it. I’d cry in my sleep, while driving n when ever I have a single unoccupied moment.

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I think mom did the same too. We never discuss about our sadness, we never dwell cos it’s too bitter to swallow. We tried to let go but the pain lingers. This is by far the saddest birthday for her perhaps because no matter how much we tried we failed miserably.

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I hope we’ll be able to celebrate it better next year. I pray n I wish for her 64th. InsyAllah. Mak, may Allah always give u the strength to face the future. I love u..we love you…always………

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My Silent Prayer....

When words are too overwhelm to swallow and emotions too disturb to follow, I put things into writing. I had always been a diary girl and now here I pour my heart content. Someone dear, a family is sick..it’s harsh to say she’s dying because deep down I believe and I pray she’ll recover and grow old. It’s hard when I’m not allowed to talk about her to anyone and to other family members. I know some if not all of my families occasionally will drop by my blog and I’m asking u to not mention anything about this. Just to respect my uncle and aunt who wish to kept things to themselves.

 

My aunt is diagnose with cancer last year and now, things are not getting better. I’m afraid it’s just a matter of time. I have cried buckets over the months, mostly trying to hide my feelings and sadness from everyone. ‘we have to be strong’ mom said ‘keep this to yourself’. My aunt is just like my late grandma who swallows every pain, frustration, anger and emotion to herself. Sometimes it’s difficult to know how she exactly feel inside. She act strong and hide all her feelings. Even mom is not able to get her to talk and to vent out her anger or anything at all!!! I wish I cud just drive up her front gate and force her to see me whether she likes it or not, but the thing is I am weak!! I will breakdown and cry..no words will be uttered, no wisdom or courage for her just tears that will not run dry….

 

Even doing this entry is hard enough to not stop n wipe away these tears. I wish I am not such a cry baby! I went to a support group and over and over they told me..she need someone to talk too. Talk to who?? Them?? Mom?? Me??? Mom called me this evening and word from my uncle,,’she’s giving up’, she’s refusing medication and hospital. I feel numb! I feel the warm tears on my cheek and my eyes blurry. Yes I am the weakest of them all. I bet even mom is tougher than her daughter and yet I am supposed to utter words of consolation to her? Forgive me mom..i failed to carry this emotion like how u want me too.

 

I ask for friends and family to not ask or tell me things to do cos I just cant deal with it. Don’t ask me to dragged her out of bed, don’t ask me to talk to her, don’t tell me there’s hope cos if she’s giving up..so am i!! and don’t tell me to be THE STRONG ONE. Please don’t…if it’s not for my two kids, I would just crawl up in bed this instant and shut my mind to the world outside. I would deal with this the way I know how..i wud separate myself from the rest. Perhaps I should thank my kids for reminding me that they needed me the most.

 

The pain is real..she’s real and constantly in my mind. And yet..i did not visit her much, we lived only 20 mins apart. If something is wrong with this scenario it’s us!! i am not cold..but I am scared. Too scared to face the fact and too scared to invade her privacy. This is us..family. we have to call to visit each other and when the other party wish to kept things under wrap we backed off..that’s what we did. I pray for her recovery and that ‘Allah’ will grant us strength, I silently pray that we will be given more time…I love u..’Maksu’..

Mother's Day Dinner@Pantai Jeram

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I know it's been a while since Mother's day but nevertheless it's never too late to post this entry. We had a simple one which include all of my siblings, mom n dad. No fancy restaurant or 5 course dinner, we opted for something local, eat to ur heart desire and yes value for money!!! Hahaha. Well it is indeed a very good bargain, we had seafood at Pantai Jeram n it was one of the best i've had so far.

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Our menu consist of chili crab, deep fried squids, steam fish, sweet sour fish, grilled fish, sweet sour prawn, fried 'kangkong', clams, bbq cockles, white rice n 3 jugs of fruit juice. Hah!! talk about eating!! we had so much that i dont feel like having breakfast the next day!! Hahaha.

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The kids had a ball running along the seaside, punching n kicking at each other, laughing n crying at the same time, friends one moment, foe the next. But still they love each other so much that the boys started to look like 3 stooges to me!! hahaha. Overall we had a good nite and good food. I'll definitely pay this place a future visit!!

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Boyz II Men - A Song For Mama

Dedicated to mom with love...

Al Fatihah

Al Fatihah to my dear cousin
For we were all in sorrow and my mind goes frozen
May u be among the chosen
To Allah the almighty we ‘Doa’ for forgiven

34 years Allah has given
For life and death is his to be written
Thou family and friends will miss u so often
In our heart u will never be forgotten

Dear cousin may u rest in peace
These tears of mine failed to flee
May Allah open our hearts to see
This world is temporary for u n me

No amount of words to say
In the morning u will be lay
A night soon turn to day
I leave u here with a pray

Mothers Day Dinner

We took mom out for a seafood dinner at Muara Port Klang. The place was pack with people whom i guess have the same agenda like us + it's weekend. Thank Allah we managed to secure a table for 13 pax. Our food arrived 1 hr later but it was expected to be that long. By then i was so hungry that i forgot where and whom i'm with...hehehe...

Something special for mom

Cupcakes for me and a card from Alif

Posing with enthusiasm..hehehe

Food...glorious food!!!

That's my mom in brown baju kurung

Adik enjoying her cupcakes

My Family

Hhhmmm...yummy!!!

Dad with Allysha

It was almost 10.45 pm when we leave the place but there are still many people enjoying dinner.Hopefully next year we will be able to celebrate again..insyallah and i'm looking fwd to many2 more dinner and get together with mom and dad..i luv u guys..muuahhhhh!!!!