When words are too overwhelm to swallow and emotions too disturb to follow, I put things into writing. I had always been a diary girl and now here I pour my heart content. Someone dear, a family is sick..it’s harsh to say she’s dying because deep down I believe and I pray she’ll recover and grow old. It’s hard when I’m not allowed to talk about her to anyone and to other family members. I know some if not all of my families occasionally will drop by my blog and I’m asking u to not mention anything about this. Just to respect my uncle and aunt who wish to kept things to themselves.
My aunt is diagnose with cancer last year and now, things are not getting better. I’m afraid it’s just a matter of time. I have cried buckets over the months, mostly trying to hide my feelings and sadness from everyone. ‘we have to be strong’ mom said ‘keep this to yourself’. My aunt is just like my late grandma who swallows every pain, frustration, anger and emotion to herself. Sometimes it’s difficult to know how she exactly feel inside. She act strong and hide all her feelings. Even mom is not able to get her to talk and to vent out her anger or anything at all!!! I wish I cud just drive up her front gate and force her to see me whether she likes it or not, but the thing is I am weak!! I will breakdown and cry..no words will be uttered, no wisdom or courage for her just tears that will not run dry….
Even doing this entry is hard enough to not stop n wipe away these tears. I wish I am not such a cry baby! I went to a support group and over and over they told me..she need someone to talk too. Talk to who?? Them?? Mom?? Me??? Mom called me this evening and word from my uncle,,’she’s giving up’, she’s refusing medication and hospital. I feel numb! I feel the warm tears on my cheek and my eyes blurry. Yes I am the weakest of them all. I bet even mom is tougher than her daughter and yet I am supposed to utter words of consolation to her? Forgive me mom..i failed to carry this emotion like how u want me too.
I ask for friends and family to not ask or tell me things to do cos I just cant deal with it. Don’t ask me to dragged her out of bed, don’t ask me to talk to her, don’t tell me there’s hope cos if she’s giving up..so am i!! and don’t tell me to be THE STRONG ONE. Please don’t…if it’s not for my two kids, I would just crawl up in bed this instant and shut my mind to the world outside. I would deal with this the way I know how..i wud separate myself from the rest. Perhaps I should thank my kids for reminding me that they needed me the most.
The pain is real..she’s real and constantly in my mind. And yet..i did not visit her much, we lived only 20 mins apart. If something is wrong with this scenario it’s us!! i am not cold..but I am scared. Too scared to face the fact and too scared to invade her privacy. This is us..family. we have to call to visit each other and when the other party wish to kept things under wrap we backed off..that’s what we did. I pray for her recovery and that ‘Allah’ will grant us strength, I silently pray that we will be given more time…I love u..’Maksu’..